The rental car experience in Europe is traumatic for most Americans and it is getting worse. Frequent travellers say that the best moment of your trip is when you drop off your rental car.
There are many challenges involved with renting a car and one should never laugh at another’s tragic experience as karma can be a bitch. Some of the most common challenges include:
- Automatic transmissions are hard to find. Americans of a certain age grew up with a stick shift, but, it has been years since we drove with one. It is true that it is like riding a bike, you never forget, but our memories get fuzzy with age.
- American young professionals are invading Europe en masse and they don’t have a clue when it comes to standard transmission. Sometimes the only automatic transmission is available in a large van, and this leads to an array of other challenges.
- Roads in much of Europe were designed for Roman chariots. Needless to say, you are in trouble with an American sized car, or worse yet, that oversized van with automatic transmission.
- The rules of the road are different. Speed on the autobahn and country road is governed by the size of the engine and drivers ego. The true rule is: “Neither a hitter or hittee be”.
- Road signs are not in English and are just different. In the US signs will indicate direction, for example, east or west. In Europe, you have to know that Nice is towards the east and Arles is towards the west. Comprehension is a real challenge when stressed and confused behind the wheel. Your partner yelling inevitably incorrect instructions adds to trauma.
- Apple Maps has made driving much easier. Using “the bitch in the box” will save your marriage. If you make a wrong turn at least you have someone else to blame. Being rerouted after a mistake is a godsend.
- Parking is not just a challenge, it can be impossible. A European friend once told me: “In America you have two parking spaces for every car. In Europe we have two cars for every space.” If you find one, good luck resurrecting your parallel parking skills. If you got that oversized van, you are screwed.
Here is the story where the karma kicks in. We spent a day touring vineyards with three delightful young American ladies celebrating their 30th birthdays on a trip to Europe. They told us a hysterical rental car story. They rented the car and were handed the keys sans instructions. After loading the car, adjusting the seats and mirrors, they couldn’t get the car started. After 30 minutes, after Google and manual searches, still no luck. Somehow then, the car miraculously and mysteriously started, but they didn’t know how.
(The birthday girls)
The the girls drove to Aix where they found the address of their Airbnb, but where to park? They found a spot right in the middle of the road in front of a large stanchion. They thought it was perfect and neatly unloaded their car and walked their bags up to the apartment. Then the panic began. The stanchion was of the retractable variety and they had blocked the road. Their car was now surrounded by a dozen enraged screaming drivers. The birthday girl ran out with keys in hand to move the car, but alas she had no idea how to start it. Trying to explain to a screaming crowd of Frenchmen how she got there without knowing how to start the car got lost in translation. Finally, a calmer head prevailed and a handsome young man jumped to the rescue, started the car and relieved the traffic jam. More importantly a traumatized, crying birthday girl was relieved to enjoy the rest of her holiday.
(Susan showing one of the retractable stanchions that caused the girls difficulty)
Here is where the karma kicked in. We shouldn’t have laughed so hard. The next day we took off with our rental car. We had picked it up in Barcelona. Of course the automatic we ordered was not possible, but a stick shift should be like riding a bike. You never forget how…One caveat, bikes don’t go backwards. On day one, Susan had problems getting the car in reverse. The stick shifts we had driven were the type where you push down to get in reverse. In a parking lot of a rest area on day one, after 15 minutes of pushing and pulling she miraculously and mysteriously got the car in reverse. On day three, I am driving and the bitch in the box sends me down the wrong street. No problem, I think I can make a quick U turn. One problem, halfway through the turn, with both directions of the street blocked, I cannot get the car in reverse. Soon we have a traffic jam. I pressed and curse and still no reverse. One of the drivers blocked by us, went across the street and got a mechanic. He knew that you had to pull up on a toggle to get into reverse. Karma is a bitch.
(Susan and I with our rental car)
With all the challenges, the following ride through the lavender fields and mountains to La Bastide de Moustiers, then back down the mountains to Nice was a highlight of the trip. All made possible by the rental car. There is that old saying: You have to suffer if you want to sing the blues.
While this ramble is slightly off topic from supper clubs, I think it is hysterical. To my readers in Europe, have pity and patience with the American drivers invading your homelands. To my American readership, practice your stick shift driving skills before heading to Europe. And, no matter where you are or where you travel, remember, karma is a bitch.
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